HOW ANGER IS GENERATED
· Natural reaction to disappointment and betrayal
· Dwelling on things that make you angry
· Old habits of interacting with people
· Feeling powerless
· Feeling Guilty
ANGER IS EXCESS ENERGY
· Anger and excess energy go together
· You can use the energy which comes with anger as an agent for positive change
· You can use the energy which comes from anger to self destruct
HOW TO STOP ANGER ONCE IT IS HERE
· Exercise to get rid of some of the excess energy
· Relaxation techniques i.e slow, even breathing, imagining yourself in relaxing situations, listening to calming music.
· Thought stopping
· Read my article on Stress Management and apply the techniques in it
DEVELOP NEW HABITS WHICH HELP REDUCE ANGRY SITUATIONS
· Avoid arguments
· Avoid power struggles
· Avoid the need to "win arguments".
· Learn to focus on what is truly important
· Learn to share power
· Avoid expecting people to read your mind
· Avoid greed and jealousy
· Avoid disrespecting others
HOW TO AVOID ARGUMENTS
· Let the other person talk themselves out
· Make sure you understand what the other person is saying, ask for examples of actions and verbalizations which offended them
· Say, "Uh, Huh" and "I see what you mean" to let them know you are listening
· Do not defend yourself, do not argue back
· Avoid counterattacking
· If the person wants you to change your negative behavior in the future, say you will try
· Think about what you are saying before you say it
· Avoid raising your voice. If the other person becomes loud, lower your voice for contrast.
· Couples who argue frequently could practice: (a) limiting comments to two sentences per turn (b) sticking to the subject.
· Avoid making "laundry lists" of the other person's "sins".
· Learn to pick out the truly important issues, and let the others go.
AVOID UNNECESSARY POWER STRUGGLES
· Power is responsibility, if you have all the power, you will have all the responsibility.
· In a good relationship, people share the power to help each other out.
· The minute the adults in the family fight about how to deal with the child, all the power goes to the child.
· When you disagree about how to handle the children, make sure you to it out of their earshot and then present a united front.
· Avoid picking a fight because you are bored.
AVOID THE NEED TO WIN ARGUMENTS
· A conversation or discussion is not a contest - so avoid trying to make it into one.
· You do not need to "win" an argument. Most of it is talk, and will sound silly if you try to repeat it to someone else.
· No one likes to be wrong all the time, so you are unlikely to finds someone who will let you ramble on and say "Amen" to your every thought.
GET YOUR BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS BACK ON TRACK - BREAK THE PATTERN
· If you and your family member find yourself in the same argument using the same exchanges, you have developed a pattern of unpleasant interacting.
· Break the pattern by consciously changing what comes out of your mouth and changing your body language
· Once you change your own pattern, the other person will look puzzled and try to push your buttons to get you back on track
· Keep your voice low and say, "I understand why you would think that", watch the other person change their pattern.
· Do you respect yourself? Yes? Then what does it matter if someone else respects you or not? If the answer is "No", then you have to learn to respect yourself before you can expect respect from others.
· Do you want other people to look up to you? Would you look up to yourself if you were someone else?
· Do you just want common courtesy? You have a right to that. Respect has to be earned by your conduct and actions.
· Do you find yourself lying about past achievements to get respect and admiration?
· False pride is a type of superficial pride that people pretend to have when they have no respect for themselves.
· Shame is the opposite of pride. People with false pride feel shame about themselves.
· Fix your self-respect to avoid blowing up when other people remind you of your true self-image.
GUILT AND ANGER
· When a person makes accusations or complains about your behavior, do you get angry? Do you retaliate with counter accusations? Why do you get angry? Were they right? Did being reminded about that make you feel guilty?
· Learn to recognize the feeling of guilt.
· Learn to own your behavior. It is OK to make mistakes. Try to avoid repeating them.
GREED AND ANGER
· Being jealous of other people's possessions can trigger extreme anger and lead people to believe that they "have to have" certain things.
· Humans "have to have" air, water, food shelter and clothing - the other things are "would like to have".
· Greed can lead to stealing, cheating and other illegal activity in order to get the desired possessions. People who suffer from greed usually lose everything, even when they are very successful for a time.
· People can also be jealous of someone else's loving family and become very angry about not having such close relationships.
IF YOU CANNOT DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER AND WORK IT OUT YOURSELF - SEEK THERAPY